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3 Green Things You Absolutely Need on St Patrick’s Day

March 17, 2015
 

Patty Boy, What A Day They Gave You

I love holidays. The obscure, made-up days like #PiDay, the nationally recognized bank holidays, and the honorary holidays for veteran’s and parents. Most of all, though, I love holidays that require consuming cookies, pies, pints and everything nice. Which is technically not today.

After a scholarly wiki search, I learned some things about you, St Patrick. I know you’re a British man who never intended to drive the snakes out of Ireland. April 17th was your holy day of remembrance, and then the church went and let the congregation indulge in meat and alcohol (sex too, maybe?) for one day only–your day. Honestly, when I go, I want a day of indulgence to remember my legacy, too. A holy, one day vacation from lent. But, as the old adage goes, give an inch, and they’ll take a mile, St Patrick. I say the same thing about my husband when I let him stray for lunch and he finds Woo Hop and their endless dumpling creations. So, please, Patty, know that I commiserate with you on your very special day. Let’s just go with the flow.

I hope your spirit revels in knowing that your day has turned into gaggles of green, tweeted and pinned Irish proverbs and a massive amount of unsupervised and eye-cringing consumption of green beer.

I’m sorry (not sorry) that your day is a complete (and festive) farce. You may wonder though, that after knowing the truth about your day, why I and many others still feel compelled to paint myself green and peruse the internet, narrowing down long lists of Irish stupor into my one favorite witty Irish quote that I can share on Instagram?

Patty boy, it’s important that you know:

1. I bruise like a peach.

2. Festively wearing green makes my one-day juice fast that happened to fall on your day much more exciting. Like I might get a leprechaun cookie covered in cheap green icing, alas, it’s only pints of creatively named green juice.

3. The German and Irish in me is alive and well. The propensity for drinking a pint–whatever color it may be–is considered healthy by association.

4. There are no leprechauns?

I’m sorry if you feel slighted, St Patrick; I just could not stand for the holiday’s truth today. The alternative of searching for my favorite Oscar Wilde quotes and reasoning to wear a peculiar color that is sparse in my closet is just way more my speed.

In keeping with the green theme, I reached out to Dutch supermodel and Kind Contributor Jill de Jong about her favorite green things to do on St Patrick’s Day. Behold, the 3 green things you absolutely need on St Patrick’s Day.

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My 3 Biggest Secrets on How To Eat Sweets Without Overdoing It

March 3, 2015
 

Sugar-Free and I Thankfully Didn’t Work Out So Well.

It’s the year of sugar-free everything, or so it seems. I caught onto this trend at the end of last year, and ate my way through some pretty dreadful cardboard macrobiotic recipes that even the well-seasoned untoasted seaweed and umeboshi plum eater would welcomingly turn their nose up to. I ended every “successful week” of trying to go sugar-free (and macrobiotic) by giving in and rebelliously slicing open a juicy, sweet Pink Lady apple. May the Gods strike lightening down upon Alicia Silverstone and Gabby Bernstein for making a sugarless lifestyle seem so fun.

Seriously? I freaking love apples. And that’s just the beginning of my crush on sweets.

Going sugar-free, for me, looks like eating my way through bag(s) of processed sesame sticks because they fall under the diet’s rules. Freaking awesome, because sesame sticks are quite high on my list of favorite bar-food snacks ever–but I can’t! As the gallon size, clear pouch of salty snacks came down to the very measly crumbles at the bottom, I’d turn the bag upside down, insistently tapping what was once the bottom of the pouch, just to get in my last, leftover bites of salt and fallen sesame seeds. Hand to God, I began to look like a sesame stick. I was one big, thick glob of wheat and seed, stuck in a plain-jane, everyday see-through pouch. And no kind person should have the backwards karma of feeling just “everyday.”

I have to have a balance. And that scale tilts in both directions–from “underdoing” it to overdoing it, where do I draw the line?

True to the DNA of the calcified structures in my mouthly domicile, I started to masticate on sweets, again. Not like Augustus Gloop, but more like if Heidi Klum and Augustus Gloop had an illegal child together. The indulgent sweet tooth and lofty premium demands of Augustus with Heidi’s uber-driven, Euro-inspired strength to say “enough!” but only truly when it feels like it’s been enough.

Here are my 3 secrets to eating sweets and totally getting away with it, without feeling a tinge of guilt and gracefully balancing on the fine tight rope of “exactly right.”

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